LoveWork by Mary Pershing

lovework Feb 03, 2025

LoveWork is a reflective writing exercise designed for the students in our coaching programs at Loveology University. It offers a chance for them to dive deeper into their personal growth journeys, explore thoughts on love and relationships, and apply the principles they’re learning. Each LoveWork entry encourages our students to express themselves and gain insights, guiding them toward a more fulfilling, loving life.

Below is a LoveWork submission from Bianca Baymon, a Love Coaching Graduate

How Covid has impacted Flirting and Dating.

Covid has changed how we flirt and date. Just think about it. Singles got used to going out on dates through Skype or Zoom. It was better than nothing, but still only gave you two dimensions rather than a three-dimensional experience. That was something; now ask yourself, how do you date through a screen? Facial expression does not always show up like you wish. And of course, there was at times a delay, or worse yet, you froze, leaving your date to wonder. Now the majority of eligible adults, 63%, are looking to be in a relationship. For most, dating has gotten even harder during the pandemic, 32% say it has stayed about the same, and 3% say it has gotten easier. “Daters younger than 30 are much more likely than those ages 30 and older to say dating is harder now (71% vs. 58%)” (Brown, 2022, para, 7).

A large number of single Americans overall are off the dating market. Around 56% say they are not looking for a relationship or casual dates. It has gone up by 6% from the 50% in 2019. There are 44% who are still currently looking, out of that 32% say they are looking only for a committed relationship, while 16% are looking only for casual dates, and about half are open to either a relationship or dates.

However, since the pandemic, singles, including all the major demographic groups, say the pandemic has not altered their desire to be in a relationship. Yet some single adults, particularly those younger than 30, are now more open to having a relationship with someone. This has gone up by 7%. One could say that people are more interested in having a relationship now; maybe it has something to do with our mortality. Throughout the pandemic people with a support group did do better than the lonely, whether that ‘group’ was a partner, family, friend, or etc. We will really never truly know, but life and love are always good for the soul.

Brown, A. (2022). Most Americans who are ‘single and looking’ say dating has been harder during the pandemic. Pewresearch.org. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2022/04/06/most-americans-who-are-single-and-looking-say-dating-has-been-harder-during-the-pandemic/#:~:text=Single%20adults%20younger%20than%2030,fewer%20among%20older%20age%20groups.

Write a dialog between you and a Sexual Harasser, with a resolution that deflects your harasser.

Work Situation: Co-worker vs. Co-worker (Note, this did happen.)

I was 18, and he was about 20 years older than me, not that age had anything to do with it. I was single and he was married. I felt nothing for him. He was very interested. I kept my distance from him. He would say things that were not appropriate. I would simply tell him his remarks were inappropriate and move on. This went on for a while. I would remind him that he is married. I could not go to our boss because our boss had it ‘in for me’. The problem lies solely on me.

My co-worker upped his game and started trying to touch me, even if it was only my hair or shoulder. I would pull away and say, “No, stop that.” This went on for many months. I had no one to go to. The business I worked in felt that any female that was appealing to another was the one at fault. See, this was a religious school I worked for, and they believed that women were the cause of all sin. I was so alone. I tried everything that I could think of: saying No every time, not making eye contact, etc. However, that seemed to only make him want me more.

It was late one evening when we were working and no one else was there. He decided to make his move. He got me up against a wall. I was very small, 5’4”, about 100 lbs. He was about 5’11” and 190 lbs. I remember this as if it was yesterday. I was pinned. What do I do? I kept saying no, but to no avail.

I guess you could say my heart saved me. I had already gone through a number of heart-procedures. Because of that, I had to go through rehab, strengthening my legs. Rehab was a process, but I worked at it. By the end, I could bench press my weight, 100 lbs., with my legs. I gave him every opportunity to do right, but in the end he chose wrong. My legs were between his. With everything I had, I kneed him in his crouch. It dropped him to the floor. With my stiletto in his neck, I told him if he tried anything like that again, I would make it where he could “never get it up again” and the police would be brought into the situation. He actually tried to threaten me by saying that I would be the one to go to jail. I told him I understood that was a possibility, but I would make sure he could never do this again to anyone. My father always had me carry a pocketknife. I knew exactly what I was going to do.

I did not buy into the school’s philosophy that women are at fault. The Co-worker never tried anything again with me. I do not know if this is what you want but it is the truth. I tried avoiding and using words with him to deescalate the situation, but in the end, he had to be shown what ‘No’ really meant.

Write an Aphrodisiac Menu of Appetizers, Main Course and Desserts.

Appetizers:
Lobster balls with cocktail sauce – you can feed each other, sharing each bite.

Main Course:
Steak (lean red meat boosts dopamine and norepinephrine levels.)
Sweet Potatoes (rich in potassium, full of zinc.)
Broccoli Casserole (increase levels of vitamin C and contains diindolylmethane (DIM) which helps reduce the conversion of testosterone to estrogen, helping to maintain higher testosterone levels.)

Desserts:
Chocolate mousse (chocolate contains phenylethylamine and serotonin, which are mood boosters and mild sexual stimulants.)
Strawberries (contain nutrients that can support a healthy sex life.)
Bananas (are known as romance boosters, overflowing with vitamin B and potassium.)
Again, dessert is a great meal to feed each other. Licking each other’s fingers or grabbing that extra kiss to lick away any mousse on the lips.

Note that one should confirm that all participants are free of allergies to any of the ingredients. Shellfish, strawberries, and even chocolate are common allergens. Although most people do not have allergies to bananas, if you are allergic to latex, coming into contact with latex when eating a banana can cause anaphylactic shock.

Write a Research Study on the latest statistics on Consent and Safer Sex.

The following information is offered as background for this study on Consent and Safer Sex:
According to slide #114, Sex Education, in the Cultural Competency Course from Loveology University:

The Guttmacher Institute recently published a document that gives an overview of state policies in regard to sex and HIV education. Among the highlights of this document:
Only 22 states and the District of Columbia mandate sex education.
Only 27 states and the District of Columbia mandate that, when sex education is provided, it must meet certain general requirements.
Of these 27 states, 13 require that the instruction be medically accurate.
18 states and the District of Columbia require that information on contraception be provided.
25 states require that abstinence be stressed.

While Planned Parenthood does a good job educating our children in the public schools, more is always needed (Planned Parenthood, 2017). That being said, a population that is overlooked now is the retirement communities and assisted living communities inhabited by our older citizens. Sexually transmitted diseases are on the uptick in these 55-year-old plus communities (Fowler, 2017). Through research, it has been shown that a lot of the older population never benefited from the more open sex education talks that are now taking place in schools because they were already out of school. They were told about STD’s and to abstain from sex, but we know how well that idea worked.

Many people have the idea that once you reach a certain age, you stop having sex. That is not the case. More funding is needed to go to this group of individuals for educational purposes. People are living longer and are healthier, which makes sex with one another a real situation that needs to be addressed. By this time, you also have divorces and deaths, making this age group hot to mingle.

According to the WHO (2022), it is good to have sex for as long as you can. Sex helps and promotes a healthy lifestyle and seniors can benefit from this, as long as it is safe sex. An additional negative is the families of the older persons living in these communities are now suing the establishments because their parent got an STD from someone. They are not remembering how they were when they were young. Instead of working to solve the problem, they want to make an example out of the situation, only bringing shame to their parent. This is not a good environment.

This study proposes a survey of a random sample of senior living establishments around the country, sampling consenting participants within each facility on their age, sexual habits, understanding of safe sex practices, use of safe sex practices, and experience, specifically since living in their present accommodations, with sexually transmitted infections.

The information derived from this study can be used to propose guidance, possibly even laws, to protect the residents from the high rate of sexually transmitted infections and for general public health information. It could also be used to help the facilities in their defense against potential lawsuits.

Fowler, K. (2017, October 25). Sexual health in retirement communities. A Place for Mom, Inc. https://www.aplaceformom.com/senior-living-data/articles/sexual-health-in-retirement-communities
Loveology University (2016). Cultural competency: Cultural and religious influences on love and sex. Kudos, Inc.

Planned Parenthood (2017, June 22). Planned Parenthood: New CDC report on U.S. teens’ sexual behavior illustrates adolescents’ continued need for sex education and effective birth control. Planned Parenthood Federation of America Inc. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/about-us/newsroom/press-releases/planned-parenthood-new-cdc-report-on-u-s-teens-sexual-behavior-illustrates-adolescents-continued-need-for-sex-education-and-effective-birth-control

World Health Organization (2022, August 31). Celebrating sexual health for benefits throughout life. WHO. https://www.who.int/news/item/31-08-2022-celebrating-sexual-health-for-benefits-throughout-life

Write a list of Adult Toys you would recommend for all Genders and Sexualities.

I went a different way of looking at this question. While there are many to choose from, I decided to focus on a line of toys that ticked a number of boxes for me. Things that I looked for: I wanted them to be safe, made from high-quality silicone, and safe for your body. They are free from phthalates, BPA and latex. I wanted them to be able to be used in the shower or tub, 100% Waterproof. I wanted a good battery life, multiple hours of fun. Also, I wanted the toys to be easy to clean. And the last item on my list was affordability, and these are.
I went with this company, plusOne, because they offer a safe and good product just about everywhere. I am sure there are better products out there, but this company offers a wide range of products for everyone.

Dual Vibrating Massager: (For anyone with a vulva)
Vibrating Ring: (I think this is interesting that although designed for use in the vulva, you or your partner can place it against the plusOne prostate massager giving it a kick at the base.) (For both)
Vibrating Feather Tickler (For anyone with nipples)
Vibrating Plug (For anyone with an anus)
Prostate Massager (For anyone with a prostate)

These products are available at: https://myplusone.com/products/?gad=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI3v_727X0gQMV5ymtBh0z4AjFEAAYASAAEgLGJfD_BwE

I also included some water-based lubricants in case the users do not have enough organic lubricants. One can say, the more lubricants, the ‘funner’ the play. These lubricants were recommended by goodhousekeeping.com:

Good Clean Love Almost Naked Personal Lubricant
Slippery Stuff Personal Water-based Lubricant Gel
System Jo System Jo H2O Lubricant

https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health-products/g44544323/best-lubes-for-sex/#product-812abf27-1f01-415c-ace7-07e58af8180e

Write down your Definition of Sex Positivity.

Sex Positivity is about more than just one thing. It is not just sex. Sex Positivity is how you view your life and the world around you. If you are positive, you will be able to be free from judgment or preconceived ideas on what sex should be. It opens your mind to the possibilities of having an all-encompassing experience with yourself and others along the way, free from judgement and shame.

All this considered, sex positivity is what makes you happy, what gives you enjoyment. What works for one, may not work for another. It is all about everyone and your positive attitude toward sex and all that it encompasses.

Write a Healing Meditation or Affirmation.

Healing Affirmation:
Look at yourself in a mirror and say the following:
You are beautiful
You are getting stronger
As you breath, you are healing your body
Imagine with every breath you take in; you are becoming whole again
Imagine with every breath you exhale; you are releasing the pain from your body
With every breath you are feeling stronger
You are feeling your body, thanking it for giving you life.
Thank yourself for how incredible you are
Thank yourself for the healing taking place in your body
Repeat at least three times, to make you feel better.
When you finish, blow yourself a kiss in the mirror and remind yourself you love you.

Write down some examples of Cultural Competence.

Cultural competence refers to an understanding of different cultures, both religious and regional, that exist in the world. One must have a basic understanding of these cultural differences to better be able to relate to individuals who may be of a culture different from their own. Some examples of areas of culture where differences exist include:

The chart above is a more general view of topics. The outline below offers a more complete and detailed listing regarding several of the topics.

Highly Restrictive and Repressive toward Sexuality (Example is Inis Beag)
Highly Permissive with Regard to Sexuality (Example is Mangaians. (Marshall, D. S. Sexual behavior on Mangaia. Human sexual behavior.)
Various Status of Genders:
- Gender Equality (Highest Level of Sexual Satisfaction)
  - Many European Countries
  - Australia
  - Canada
  - United States
- Male Centered (Average Level of Sexual Satisfaction)
  - Mediterranean
  - Islamic Nations: (Algeria, Egypt, Israel, Italy, Turkey)
  - Brazil
  - Korea
  - Philippines
- Male Dominated (Lowest Level of Sexual Satisfaction)
  - East Asian Countries: (China, Indonesia, Japan, Taiwan, Thailand) Source: Laumann, Nicolosi, et al., 2006; Laumann, Paik, et al., 2006; Parish et al., 2007.
- Marriage Patterns (Out of the sample of cultures 95% ended up in Marriage. Marriage equals Heterosexual Monogamy, Same-Sex, to having Multiple Partners in Marriages)
  - Monogamy (Equals 15% of the Population)
  - Polygamy (Equals 85% of the Population)
  - Polygyny (Equals 84.5% of the Worlds Cultures having One Husband with Multiple Wives)
  - Polyandry (Equals .5% of the Worlds Cultures having One Wife with Multiple Husband)
  - Sadism (Causing Harm and/or Pain)
- Abortion
  - Highest in Africa
  - Lowest in Greece
- Kissing (Done in a Variety of Different Ways)
  - Legal (Kissing in Public)
  - Illegal (Kissing in Public in India and East Africa)
- Menstruation (Different Beliefs Handle It Differently)
- Incest (Marriage Between People Who are Related by Blood)
  - Brother-Sister (Hawaiians married Brother-Sister)
  - Cousin (California, United States and Middle East marry first cousin)
  - Against (Genetic Health of the Offspring, Religion, and Morality)
- Prostitution (Sexual Acts for Money)
  - Prostitution is Legal in 77 Countries
  - Prostitution is Restricted in 11 Countries
  - Prostitution with No Law in 5 Countries
  - Prostitution is Illegal in 109 Countries
  - Prostitution is Illegal in the United States, except for the State of in Nevada http://chartsbin.com/view/snb
- Sex Education (LU, Cultural Competency Course)
  - Mangaia - the culture is very permissive, promoting sexual relations as experimental learning in addition to hands-on training by elders.
  - Russia focuses on restraining sexual expression.
  - England makes decisions about sex education based on whether or not it, or the absence of it, will protect their children.
  - Sweden, Denmark, France, Germany, and the Netherlands incorporate sexuality education into the general curriculum.
  - United States, many children are raised with puritanical views of sex and offered abstinence-only.
- Genital Modification
  - For: Over 100 million women belonging to these cultures have had their genitals modified: Egypt, India, Pakistan, Sudan, Ethiopia, Somalia, Kenya, Malaysia, Indonesia
  - Against: World Health Organization (WHO) has established there are no health benefits to female or male circumcision.
- Contraception
  - For: Anyone Who Does Not want to get Pregnant at the Time of Sex
  - Against: Roman Catholics and Fundamental Muslim groups because they are Opposed to Actions that limit Procreation.
  - In Japan contraception was morally wrong.
  - Biological function: Prevents reproduction and this is Against Biology.
  - Ethical responsibility: Aids in Minimizing Overpopulation and Lessens Unintended Pregnancies Which Effect the Individual and the World.
  - Relational: Lets sex maintain its position of lovemaking with the bonus of choosing procreation.

In order to counsel a client, one must be not only aware of these many differences but understand the client’s culture sufficiently to respectfully discuss any area.

The following chart, taken from the Cultural Competency course, depicts some legal differences among national cultures.

“Culturally Different Couples can add another stressor in already vulnerable partnerships, especially when it comes to making adjustments as a couple to each other's culture.”

Write down how you would Coach an LGBTQ Client Coming Out.

I will be looking at this LGBTQ client who is coming out and wants to find love.
Depending on age, some things to be discussed are the same while other items might be different.

How old are they?
Coming Out can happen at any age. The older one may have more life experience, which can be good and bad.

Were they in a relationship?
They are coming out, but that does not mean they have never been in a relationship before.

Are they divorced?

Are they coming to terms with the ending of that part of their life and transitioning into their new life?

Do they have children?
If the Coming out did not happen early in life, the person may have others in their life that play a role in theirs.

Do they have a support group/system?
Their group or support system can be outside their normal family and friends

Are their family and friends supportive?
Not everyone who Comes Out is welcomed, whether it has to do will culture or religious beliefs.

After they fill out an Intake Form, we can go over what the client is looking for and make sure they have realistic expectations. I like the idea of the client writing a personal ad for their ideal partner with specific details. By seeing it in black and white, “The client can realize their personal needs in a partner and will be motivated to seek what they are looking for with more confidence.” Going further and using a “Personality Test — Reveals the client’s strengths and weaknesses, what they have to bring to a relationship and if their profile will be realistically attracted to them. This can be a real wake-up call because once they realize that they don’t have the qualities that they are looking for in a partner, they can work on improving them with the Love Coach.”

I would have them fill out a questionnaire, such as the one presented in class:
Have the client answer YES or NO to each question below:
Are you free emotionally to fall in love?
Will you reveal who you really are?
Can you spot signs of an unhealthy relationship?
Are you the jealous type?
Do you have any guilt or shame about sex?
Do you apologize when you know you are wrong?
Could you become physically aggressive?
Are you socially secure?
Are you sexually confident?
Do you think that you are a winner?
After they complete the questionnaire, go over with your client how many questions they answered YES to and then ask them if they think that their perfect profile would be attracted to someone like them.
If the answer is NO, then offer to help coach them on improving their weaknesses.

Offer them suggestions on where they might meet a life partner:
“Doctor: tell them to volunteer at a hospital
Health-conscious person: go to a gym, yoga class or health food store
Animal lover: go to a pet shop, dog park, pet groomer or animal rescue
Artistic person: go to a community theatre, museum, or art gallery”

Refer them to an appropriate specialist if they have any of the following: Impotence, Sexual aversion, Male erectile disorder, Orgasmic disorder, Premature ejaculation, Dyspareunia, Vaginismus, Substance induced sexual dysfunction, Confusion about orientation or gender, Mental or Physical Illness and/or Depression.

Write a Seminar and Film Yourself Giving a TED type of talk, any length between 10 minutes and 1 hour.

Where are you on the Spectrum of Sex?
Is Sex just Sex? Or, what is considered to be sex?
By Dr. Mary Pershing

Hello, my name is Dr. Mary Pershing. Today, I will be talking about sex, more specifically, where are you on the Spectrum of Sex? Sex, is it just sex? How long has sex been happening? How did we get here? Does gender, race, culture, and/or religion play a role in how we think sex should be? For the next few minutes, I will try to answer these questions that I have just proposed. The idea is to get you thinking about how you view sex and how others might view sex as well.

I want to open by sharing a quote from the movie, My Mom’s New Boyfriend.
“That the whole world is one truth-seeking organism, and so it doesn’t matter if your science is religion or your religion is science, because we all seek meaning and we all seek our reason for being.”

Before we begin, let me offer some ideas on what ‘normal’ is, in case someone needs a point for comparison:
Tsoulis-Reay states, “Normal is defined in relation to its opposite. It’s only through labeling another person different that we come to know ourselves as normal: ‘heterosexuality’ … did not come into existence until the coinage of its opposite, ‘homosexuality’, in the late nineteenth century.”1
Peter Kurth, as quoted in Tsoulis-Reay (2022, p. xix), stated, “normality ‘is a hallucination, a mixture of statistics, concealment and received ‘common sense’, bearing none but a comparative and usually intimidating relation to any individual’s actual life.’”2

The following table presents a summary of laws in different countries around the world relating to various sexual acts.

According to Endsjo (2011, p. 11), “There is no single standard for how religion relates to human sexuality: a form of sex held up as the ideal or even as sacred by one religion may be rejected as an abomination by another. But all of these patterns have one thing in common: not one of the models of sexuality advocated by different religions represents a natural limitation of sex. What we are dealing with in every case is a cultural construct.”

One last point before we get into the details, I have two rules that I consider ‘a must’:
Sex must always be consensual. Consensual means Respectful.
Do no harm to yourself, to your partner, or both.

I know I am going to offend some of you. Please try to hang in there. I promise you will not be alone in what you are thinking, but this talk is meant to get you to think about your biases. We all have them.

Here is a hot topic. I am going to give you four different scenarios on how we got here. In your mind, be thinking which is closest to what you believe.

You may be a believer in The Big Bang Theory. It was a great start to our Universe, but the theory could not do it on its own. There may have been a chemical evolution of the universe. For that, we needed generations of stars to live and die, and thereby enrich the interstellar medium with the heavier elements that all biochemical processes require. It is important to note that we are all made up of star dust. Now, in the beginning you would have the generations of stars which produced the heavy molecules that were needed, which in turn led to the first forms of life which subsequently evolved into us, walking star dust.

Aphrodite was the Olympian goddess of sex, love, and beauty. Aphrodite was compelled by Zeus to marry Hephaestus, the god of fire. But they were not a good match. She took a lover, the god of war, Ares, as well as many mortal lovers. She has two sons. One is Eros, the Greek god of love, and the other son is Himeros, the Greek god of sexual desire. Even the gods have sex covered. And obviously, had no problem populating the Earth with their mortal lovers. Again, this is a potential theory as to where we come from.

If you are more into Darwin’s evolution, the theory says we came from primates. We know how primates conceive. This has been studied very thoroughly for many years. Primates have sex. They pick their mate, have sex with them and, depending on which primate you think we came from, 160 days to 265 days later, that is a little over 5 months to almost 9 months, they will have a new member of their family. Through the ever-evolving process called evolution, we are who we are today.

Now, if your belief lies in religion, a higher power created a male and a female They had sex, creating life. Supposedly, they had a longer lifespan than we do today where they could partake in the act of sex. And they repeated this act a number of times, as did their off-spring, thus creating us.

Keep those theories and/or beliefs in the back of your head as we move on. It is important for us to have a brief understanding of what cultural competence is. Cultural competency refers to an understanding of the different cultures, both religious and regional, that exist in the world. One must have a basic understanding of these cultural differences in order to better be able to relate to individuals who may be of a culture different from their own. These are some examples of areas of culture where differences exist:

The first topic we will look at is where you are on the Spectrum of Sexuality, ranging from Highly Restrictive to Permissive Toward Sexuality

Highly Restrictive-------------------------+------------------------- Permissive

On the restrictive end of the spectrum, did you know there is a place called Inisheer off the coast of Ireland? The island was devoutly Catholic. The people there do not even get naked in bed. They view any form of nudity as such a sin that no one there can swim and, as a result, numerous lives were lost when a ferry sunk near the island (Lister, 2018).
Now on the other end of the spectrum is Highly Permissive. The people on the island Mangaia in the Cook Islands near New Zealand are considered by anthropologists to be the most sexually permissive culture in the world. (Marshall, 1971)

The second topic considers where you might be on the Spectrum of Gender Equality: Equal, Male Centered, or Male Dominated.

Female------------------------------------+--------------------------------- Male

Gender Equal has the highest level of sexual satisfaction for both sexes and is evident in many European countries, Australia, Canada, United States
Male Centered has an average level of sexual satisfaction for each sex and is evident in areas such as the Mediterranean region, Islamic Nations (Algeria, Egypt, Israel, Italy, Turkey), Brazil, Korea, and the Philippines
Male Dominated yields the lowest level of sexual satisfaction and is found in East Asian Countries (China, Indonesia, Japan, Taiwan, Thailand)
(Source: Laumann, Nicolosi, et al., 2006; Laumann, Paik, et al., 2006; Parish et al., 2007 as presented in LU Cultural Competency Course, Slide 31)

The third topic, regarding Marriage Patterns, has four parts. It considers where you are on these subjects.

Spectrum on Heterosexual Monogamy

Female------------------------------------+--------------------------------- Male

Did you know that out of a sample of cultures, 95% end up in Marriage. Heterosexual is between man and woman.

Spectrum on Homosexual Monogamy: Male and Male, or Female and Female

Against------------------------------------+--------------------------------- For

Homosexual, also known as Same Sex, is between man and man or woman and woman. Interestingly, only 15% of the population of the world make up this population.
Most religions have a problem with this, because they see it to be a sin.

Spectrum on Multiple Partners in Marriage: The more the merrier. Polygamy is the lifestyle of 85% of the Population through the world.

Against------------------------------------+--------------------------------- For

This by far is the largest group. The subgroup called Polygyny has 84.5% of the World’s Cultures having One Husband with Multiple Wives

Against------------------------------------+--------------------------------- For

Polyandry is a small percentage of the population that equals .5% of the World’s cultures and involves One Wife with Multiple Husbands

The fourth topic is regarding Abortion. We are looking at it because it is a result of sex.
No sex, no abortion. Therefore, where are you on the Spectrum regarding Abortion?

Against------------------------------------+--------------------------------- For

The highest number of abortions are in Africa
The lowest number of abortions are in Greece

The fifth topic is Incest. It is defined as marriage between people who are related by blood. Where are you on the Spectrum regarding Incest? Now remember my opening, whichever avenue you believe in regarding how we got here, one could say we could all be related.